Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
