New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
