He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
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I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
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I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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