i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
