I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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