3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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