I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
