So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
