Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
