I think I won the penis lottery.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
