my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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