I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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