Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
