i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
