God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
