Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Found the puke drawer
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
