Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
