you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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