You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
