I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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