Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
