His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
