you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You ruined the universe
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
