Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
