He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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