So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
