the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
