Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
