life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
