dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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