I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
