i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
