Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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