I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
