I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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