i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I intend to get homeless drunk
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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