As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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