I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you win again, gameday.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
