Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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