I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
