How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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