I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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