I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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