The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm passing your future prison.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
