I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
