Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I forget how to act sober
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
