i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
