just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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