oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The struggles of a small town man whore
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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