20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
