Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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