dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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