I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
