please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
