OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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