I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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